i have never felt so disgusting in my life as when i did today after I spent an hour sitting next to the guy who I am obsessing over. I felt like a worthless, fat, ugly lump of shit and nothing can change that thought in my head now.
I sat there freaking out about every little thing I did while sitting next to him today during a lecture. every little inch my body moved, every brush of the paper my hand and arm made, every little noise that originated from my direction. Because as much as I wanted him to notice me, as much as I wanted him to pay me all the attention a girl could need, I wanted to just disappear and become invisible because I felt so disgusting.
No matter what I am doing these days, nothing is changing. My weight, my attitude, my face, my positivity, and most of all…my control. The control over my depression and the control over how I react to everything and anything.
This guy, this guy is the sweetest most adorable guy you could ever meet, and it seems that he finds me nice enough to sit next to and talk to. But God do I feel like a lump of shit next to the gorgeous girls that appear in my lectures that I watch him look at, even if its just because its movement in the corner of his eye does he look, I can just imagine the thoughts flooding his mind.
And it hurts to know, that no guy will ever think of me like that. That no guy will ever wish he could be mine, that I could be the one he could wrap his arms around.
Because what guy would wasnt a worthless piece of shit like me?
What guy I ask you…
certainly not the one I love. Not the one who has quite recently been in my every thought because he is everything I want in a guy and more.
I am so over feeling this worthless, the tears don’t stop flooding and it hurts. It hurts to starve myself like this just so I can feel skinny, it hurts to compare myself to these girls who have it all. It hurts to try so hard to get his attention while trying to fall of the edge of the earth. It hurts to not pick up the blade and get that usual sense of relief as the red line appears on my thighs, the usual sense of relief as I fade away after a few too many sleeping pills.
I am fucking over this. this thing I call my life.
Please let me end it right here and right now.’
I can’t handle these tears anymore.
I can’t handle being the fat friend, the ugly friend, the “friend” friend, the girl who will never get the guy, the girl who will always be there for everyone else but myself.
The girl who will never get a happy moment.
The girl who will never get a feeling of love and want from the guy of her dreams.
The girl who never want’s to kill herself.
Why can’t I be that girl?